I've never shared my Testimony so I'm not sure exactly where to start or what is appropriate to share. I tend to get a bit wordy so bare with me.
I am the middle child in a family of three children. I have an older sister, Tina and a younger brother, Jimmy. Tina is 2 1/2 years older than I and Jimmy is 6 years (less one month) younger than I. We grew up in a home where God was talked about from time to time. We knew about Jesus and the Ten Commandments but didn't attend church regularly. My Father was a Christian and knew the Blible well. My Mother was raised in a Jehovah's Witness home and struggled to find a way to make sense of what she was taught growing up and what she was learning as she lived with my Father. My Mother is also a Christian now and over the years has fallen in love with our Savior.
As children we attended VBS every summer and we would attend church here and there but never on a regular basis until I was a teenager. I remember one time when I was young, sneaking to church with one of the neighbors. I would walk from my house to my Granny's house several times a day. Ms. H lived halfway in between the houses and many times I would stop and chat with her. On this particular day she invited me to go to church with her. For some reason, I felt that I wouldn't be allowed to go so I lied to my parents and told them that I was going some place with my Granny. It wasn't long before my parents caught on and went right to the church and pulled me out. A spanking followed! Looking back it's funny but I am sure that it gave my parents quite a scare back then.
I don't recall just how old I was when I accepted Jesus but it was young. I don't remember NOT knowing Him. He's always had a firm grip on me but I didn't always seek His guidance. We've had a long and winding walk with many stumbles along the way. Jesus has never faltered though. He's been Faithful!
My teenage years were pretty uneventful. I learned from my sister just how far I could push without getting myself in serious trouble. I was never the type to party or sneak out so that wasn't a problem. I never skipped school and I haven't done a drug in my life. I was pretty boring until I got pregnant. Yep, a parent's worst nightmare!
I had been dating my boyfriend for six months. He was graduating from high school and I was shopping for shoes. I felt faint but didn't think anything of it at the time. I got something to eat and I was fine. A week later I had the worst flu that I had ever had. I didn't have a clue that I was pregnant. My Mom did though. She bought a pregnancy test and I was shocked. My life was over. I asked God how... why... what had I done to deserve this???
My boyfriend I were married within two weeks. Everyone questioned out decision to get married. They said that it wouldn't work. We'd never make it. Four weeks later, we lost our baby to miscarriage. We could have walked away then if that was the reason for our marriage but it wasn't. We loved each other. That man is still my husband. It's been 15 years.
Within three months of that first miscarriage, we were pregnant again. That child is now almost 14 years old. Two years later we decided to give him a sibling. His sibling is now 11 years old. We decided when our second child was 6 months old that we would like to have one more child. We started trying to conceive when he was just over a year old. I conceived fairly quickly but that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. This pattern would continue and we would lose 8 babies altogether over a period of 2 1/2 years. Some losses were earlier than others. We know for sure that one of the babies was a girl. We named her Destiny Sierra.
I would have to say that at the time I felt like this was the lowest part of my life. I wondered why God would give us the strong desire to have another child if we were not meant to have one. Why so many women were able to conceive and have healthy babies when they didn't want them but we couldn't. Why were babies dying and abandoned when we wanted one so, so badly. Why..? I grew angry with God and questioned Him over and over again. I prayed for a baby to hold in my arms.. just one more, PLEASE GOD.
We finally conceived again after doctors had told us that we would probably never have another baby and carry to term. We prayed for this child and believed that he would be born healthy and he was. I remember realizing after his birth just how depressed I had been prior. The only way that we made it through that time was by the strength and Grace of God.
Things improved greatly after our baby was born. We were on cloud nine and so content. There was still grief for the babies that we lost but things were much better. Our children brought so much joy to our lives and we truly felt Blessed during that time. We continued to build a relationship with God but it was so easy because things were great.
In December 2005, our perfect world came to a screeching halt. I had gone to Orlando to visit a friend that was down from NY. While I was there, my brother over dosed on some medicine, my Grandfather was admitted to the hospital and my baby boy was run over by our boat trailer. All of this happened in the matter our hours. I have never moved so fast as my life was flashing before me-- ever. I still don't know how I made it from Orlando to Port Richey in an hour in one piece. It was God.
Thankfully, my son was fine. He only had bruising and that is nothing short of a MIRACLE. Sadly my Grandfather died the next day. He had been suffering with cancer and a terrible infection. I know that he needed rest.
Three days later, I received a call from my brother stating that he needed me to go to the hospital for a family meeting. I couldn't go because my son was still in pain and it was difficult to have him out for long periods. I arranged to have the doctor call me. She did and we had a long talk. My brother never called me back. He was released the next day. I spent that day thinking about the holidays and how I could make them special for him as he was a bachelor and my parents were the only ones that really bought anything for him gift wise.
That evening the phone rang and it was my Dad. I'll never forget the words that he said to me or the screams that came from my soul as I hung up the phone. I had no idea at that point that I had not known the depths of sadness that I would soon feel. As I got into my car to drive to the hospital, I called a friend. She prayed with me. Together we prayed for my brother and the doctors and nurses and any one that came into contact with him. We prayed for my safety and then we hung up. It was that prayer that I believe helped me to get from where I was to wher I am now. I started this journey of grief relying on Jesus to see me through.
I made it to the hospital with my Dad and that is where we learned that my brother was not going to survive the horrific accident that he had been in. His brain stem was injured and it was swelling causing too much pressure on his brain. It eventually cut the oxygen off to his brain and it died. I cannot even begin to explain the agony that I felt and still sometimes feel over learning that his life here on Earth is just gone.
Losing my brother by far, to this point in my life has been the most difficult. There is more to this story and so much that I have to share but I will have to continue later...
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